Monday, May 25, 2009

In Memorial

Today is Memorial Day, an American holiday to memorialize the troops who fought and died serving our country, the troops that continue to fight to keep our country free.

But it is not them of whom I think. No. My thoughts arise from a knot in my stomach and an anxious flutter in my heart. Grief for my mom’s passing burns through me like a wildfire. I think it just might consume the me that I used to be. I want to feel this sorrow, but I don’t want it to consume my family. So I’ve been keeping myself busy, perusing blogs, exercising?!, yardwork. Now that’s therapeutic.

On Saturday, I even went up to help my dad pull weeds in my mom’s secret garden.

We left the borage, fennel, mint, mugwort, and thyme, clearing just enough to plant some peppers.

My little sister and daughter lounged on the grass and consulted their pendulums as to whether they should work...

or not.

It was hard work, but the day was beautiful, and the company was good.

Anouk took this picture on our drive home….

Sunday I worked in my own yard, watering, tending and pulling weeds. Today I planted some canna lily rhizomes. In so doing, I discovered my long-neglected, living advent spiral. And woven into it, I uncovered archaeological remnants from four different fairy homes. They’d been destroyed by the elements and buried in leaves.

I believe they were the second to last of such fairy offerings. This, I believe, was the last.

It was built shortly after one beautiful autumn parkday last year, when a younger friend of my daughter’s said, “Anouk, you are a real girl.” At first my heart swelled with sweetness that her friend saw her genuineness. As her friend continued, I realized it was not a compliment. She proceeded to pronounce another friend the best fairy leprechaun girl ever.

Amazingly, there was no charge around this interchange. Anouk didn’t even seem to notice. I wanted to interject, “You don’t know her like I do!” But I didn’t. I realized that this is how it must be. It wasn’t long after that she lost her last baby tooth and started getting excited about independence. She is leaving the kingdom of childhood.

I just hope that it’s not too much of a mad rush. I hope that she finds pause to commune with the nature spirits…to daydream and breathe…to keep the vestiges of innocence kindled in her spirit.

I wish that for us all. Perhaps if we remembered our original natures, we’d forego war and have a garden party instead.


  1. Such a heartfelt post...thank you for sharing everything. I would love to learn how to use the pendulums.

  2. Oh My lovely, that pain still seems very real and valid. I am still sending love and warmth through your time of sadness. Distractions can be such a lovely way to get away from it.
    Such a lovely post and i loved your

  3. What a beautiful and genuine post....thank you so much for sharing with us.

    Your mom's secret garden looks wonderful...wild and green and lush...she will be glad that you are tending it. If she loved Nature, then her *energy* is in every blossom and every green leaf -- when you touch those, you touch her. Perhaps, knowing that, it will ease your grief, knowing that you can be with her any time....

    I had to laugh at the use of a pendulum to ascertain whether or not to work..I might use mine for that too...I bet I know what it will say!!!

  4. Thanks for sharing that ... it was beautiful how you put it all out there.
    I especially like that last line, "Perhaps if we remembered our original natures, we’d forego war and have a garden party instead." Amen!

  5. Thanks you guys! My sister and daughter were just doing their thing, which didn't include working in the hot sun! I was just makin' a funny. ;) They're into their pendulums and rocks and reiki and such. I don't really have a clue, well, maybe just a little....

  6. It looks like you had a wonderful day, just spending it with those you love. It almost brought tears to my eyes to read about your daughter growing so fast. My little baby is almost 6 mos and seems to be growing faster than her 2 year old brother. I can already relate. Therefore, I refuse to affirm the days passing so quickly. I slow it down-take a deep breathe-live in the presence-AHhhhh! Don't mind that last's just a note to self :D
    Thanks for sharing mama!

  7. It's about relishing every moment, huh? Although I mourn the loss of my little girl, it's just different now, and no less beautiful. Life is so precious, such a gift.

  8. hi jenell! thanks for visiting. i´ll add your link to corner view. we post every wed. it´s way to see how people from all over live. next week´s theme is "the beach." can´t wait to see more from your corner. besos-jane
    p.s. this was a lovely post:)

  9. Thanks, jane. I'm excited about participating.