Wednesday, April 19, 2006


I was on my way to a dentist appointment for Anouk. We left with just enough time to get there. I ride around on empty for 34 miles before I get gas, and I was at about 27. I decided I could probably make it. As we passed a gas station, I had a feeling that I should stop, but I just kept going... I think I just wanted to get the appointment over with -- it was going to cost a lot of money.

I was within a few miles of the dentist, and just about to get on the off-ramp, when my car started to sputter. Shit! However, I coaxed it all the way off the ramp (just like in bowling when I coax the ball out of the gutter). Luckily, there was enough shoulder on Franklin (a busy street) to accomodate my car. And there were two gas stations at the end of the block. The closest one didn't sell gas cans. Fuck. The one across the street sold me one with a gallon of gas for $23! Okay, as if the dentist were not enough. As if our money situation was enough! What else could I do? I should've listened to my intuition (and, cringe, and must I admit, Robley's warning, too?).

So, I had the gas and can. You'd think my problem was solved, right? Maybe I'd just be a few minutes late.... However, I couldn't get it to work. I don't understand physics or the mechanics of things. That's me, right? I like books. That's me, right? Well, when I was forced out of that concept, I found that I could apply myself to the problem and figure it out. I got the general idea of the gas can down. Why was it spilling out everywhere?! I only had 1 gallon! I asked a passerby, and he was more in the dark than I. I stomped my feet. I yelled. I was sad that no-one was stopping to help. I was angry that I couldn't figure it out, that I even got myself into the situation.

I went back to the gas station and asked the clerk to help me. It took him forever to figure it out. But he did. I gas'd the car, rescheduled the appointment and had a good cry.

A week later we were watching Survivor Man. He said something that struck me. He said that people out in the wilderness do what they can until they get to an impass. They feel like they have to choose to go on -- to live, and usually something comes up that drives them to survive.

How easily I gave up! And here I was, in the middle of a city! I don't have to be alone. I don't have to struggle. Thank you, Survivor Man!

Monday, April 10, 2006

This Body

I was born with this one body, but
The skin renewed itself every 14 days,
The blood cells every 90
And the bones, well
They will be all that is left
When this body falls away.

But this body, this body!
It is light; it can skip and splash
Through puddles and laugh.
It is heavy and feels the call of the earthworms.
It creates its own rain.

This body is not moved by simple physics.
This body is moved by: the dawn,
Watching my child sleep and my lover wake up,
Reading in bed, libraries and storytelling,
The vulnerability and audacity of telling your story,
Walkabout, walking, walking bass lines,
The wind in the trees and birds singing on fenceposts,
Chiarascuro and watching things grow,
The smell of the earth,
Giving birth,
God in Me,
Me in God,
Those Dolls
Who've absorbed my pain,
And my joy absolved,
Being loved despite my thorns,
Renaissance wo(men) living renegade art,

All art and art in all.

~Jenell Heimbach


I was sitting in the car with Anouk when all of a sudden we saw a huge hawk being chased by those little black parking lot birds. The hawk then swooped down and landed on the edge of a building. I thought the little birds had pulled out some of it's feathers, because they were flying! But as I looked closer, I noticed that it had a pigeon in it's talons! The hawk was perched so majestically, like a Bald Eagle atop an American flag. And then it bent down and twisted the pigeon's neck and pecked at it's eyes! Anouk and I were fixated. Here we were, in the middle of suburbia witnessing an episode of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I can almost hear Marlin Perkin's gentle voice. The pigeon was not going gently. Anouk broke me out of my morbid reverie by crying, "I'm going to get a big rock and throw it at it!" She was incensed by the injustice of it.

I think it struck a nerve. This could just as easily be her, unexpectedly plucked from her wholeness - and only to find herself surrounded by people who want to pluck her eyes out.

Hawks and pigeons, please be kind to each other.

Sunday, March 5, 2006

My Prejudice: Unveiled

Friday afternoon came in under the radar. I end the week taking Anouk to the river with our homeschool group. I had no money (which normally translates as no plans). Then a friend of mine invited me to go to a class at East West Books called, "How to Become an Irresistible Magnet for Love, Money & Miracles" with Jacqueline Aldana. While this is not something I normally would do (being stubbornly independent), I accepted. It was a nice offering and a good excuse to go hang out with my friend. And, under my breath, maybe I could learn something... The speaker, Jacqueline, was a very happy person. Her cup runneth over. And here, I speak the unspeakable: my prejudice. I cannot stand people who are always happy. I cannot stand the "fake it till you make it" attitude. Don't they know there's suffering in the world?! Don't they know that suffering is the other side of transformation?! Don't they know that it takes a lot of shit and decay to grow a beautiful garden?! Well, I let go of these thoughts so that I could actually hear what she was saying. And basically what it came down to was reprogramming your thoughts. If someone says, "I want you to notice the color BLUE," that's where your consciousness goes. Likewise, if you only notice the negative, the sad and the suffering, that's all you're going to be! And, if you're too stubborn to ask for help, you're not going to get it. I have the strong urge to insert a disclaimer here about how I love my melancholy and don't worry about me becoming all perky and new-agey, but I won't! (Hee-hee) At the end of the evening there was a raffle, and I won her journaling book called The Miracle Manifestation Manual II. And I'm going to commit myself to it! Why not? If not perkiness, it could at least give me an appreciation or understanding of happy people! And, who knows? Perhaps I will even transcend this mortal coil. You'll know I haven't through my continuing MySpace posts, but if you stop getting them, look for another star in the night sky. I'd be the one shaped like a flower growing out of a dung pile!

Saturday, March 4, 2006

Book Rating System

I make to-do lists.

And, although it is one of my favorite things to do, reading is not on my list.

What makes it on the list are mostly social obligations and conventions:

housecleaning and maintenance, call so-and-so, send thank you notes,

file taxes, laundry, shower --

things I might opt out of if my friends and family enabled my reading habit.

O.K. obsession.

An indicator of how good a book is -- is how long it takes to read --

and what goes undone.

Here's my rating system:



To-do list? Sleep?



The to-do list is buried under piles of laundry and empty cans of green beans and stew eaten cold.


Very interesting.

My friends and family have sent out search parties but only found a food-stained to-do list.




I might as well do everything on the to-do list, damn-it.

I'm not sure why I'm reading this book.

In desperation I may start multiple books.

You know it's bad when your own thoughts carry you away on permanent vacation

and you reread the same sentence over and over.

Monday, February 27, 2006

You may already be an anarchist.

"It's true. If your idea of healthy human relations is a dinner with friends, where everyone enjoys everyone else's company, responsibilities are divided up voluntarily and informally, and no one gives orders or sells anything, then you are an anarchist, plain and simple. The only question that remains is how you can arrange for more of your interactions to resemble this model.

Whenever you act without waiting for instructions or official permission, you are an anarchist. Anytime you bypass a ridiculous regulation when no one's looking, you are an anarchist. If you don't trust the government, the school system, Hollywood, or the management to know better than you when it comes to things that affect your life, that's anarchism, too. And you are especially an anarchist when you come up with your own ideas and initiatives and solutions.

As you can see, it's anarchism that keeps things working and life interesting. If we waited for authorities and specialists and technicians to take care of everything, we would not only be in a world of trouble, but dreadfully bored -- and boring -- to boot. Today we live in that world of (dreadfully boring!) trouble precisely to the extent that we abdicate responsibility and control.

Anarchism is naturally present in every healthy human being. It isn't necessarily about throwing bombs or wearing black masks, though you may have seen that on television (Do you believe everything you see on television? That's not anarchist!). The root of anarchism is the simple impulse to do it yourself: everything else follows from this."

~Noam Deguerre, CrimethInc. Black Writers' Bloc


Tuesday, February 7, 2006


Aren't gifts awesome?

I mean, there's the gift of life, the gift of having the necessities taken care of, the gift of little things people do for each other daily that are often taken for granted....

And then there's the gift that appears - unexpected. It's not your birthday, not Christmas, Easter, or any of the many Hallmark holidays. But suddenly a gift appears.

You open it up and it's a __________. It doesn't even matter what IT is. Well, it sort of matters. I mean, it wouldn't be quite so touching to get a book about how to heal your inner bitch or some god-aweful lacy outfit that even your great grandmother wouldn't be caught dead in.

The best part about this gift is that someone was thinking about you. There was a moment in their day when something made them think of you.

Today, I received a gift from Michelle Bornt. She found a cigarette vending machine that has been re-imagined into a miniature art dispenser. It totally made my day! And it inspired me. I dig it when people create. I love INGENUITY and THE UNEXPECTED and AUDACITY.

And I love my friends. Thank you, Michelle.