Wednesday, April 19, 2006


I was on my way to a dentist appointment for Anouk. We left with just enough time to get there. I ride around on empty for 34 miles before I get gas, and I was at about 27. I decided I could probably make it. As we passed a gas station, I had a feeling that I should stop, but I just kept going... I think I just wanted to get the appointment over with -- it was going to cost a lot of money.

I was within a few miles of the dentist, and just about to get on the off-ramp, when my car started to sputter. Shit! However, I coaxed it all the way off the ramp (just like in bowling when I coax the ball out of the gutter). Luckily, there was enough shoulder on Franklin (a busy street) to accomodate my car. And there were two gas stations at the end of the block. The closest one didn't sell gas cans. Fuck. The one across the street sold me one with a gallon of gas for $23! Okay, as if the dentist were not enough. As if our money situation was enough! What else could I do? I should've listened to my intuition (and, cringe, and must I admit, Robley's warning, too?).

So, I had the gas and can. You'd think my problem was solved, right? Maybe I'd just be a few minutes late.... However, I couldn't get it to work. I don't understand physics or the mechanics of things. That's me, right? I like books. That's me, right? Well, when I was forced out of that concept, I found that I could apply myself to the problem and figure it out. I got the general idea of the gas can down. Why was it spilling out everywhere?! I only had 1 gallon! I asked a passerby, and he was more in the dark than I. I stomped my feet. I yelled. I was sad that no-one was stopping to help. I was angry that I couldn't figure it out, that I even got myself into the situation.

I went back to the gas station and asked the clerk to help me. It took him forever to figure it out. But he did. I gas'd the car, rescheduled the appointment and had a good cry.

A week later we were watching Survivor Man. He said something that struck me. He said that people out in the wilderness do what they can until they get to an impass. They feel like they have to choose to go on -- to live, and usually something comes up that drives them to survive.

How easily I gave up! And here I was, in the middle of a city! I don't have to be alone. I don't have to struggle. Thank you, Survivor Man!

Monday, April 10, 2006

This Body

I was born with this one body, but
The skin renewed itself every 14 days,
The blood cells every 90
And the bones, well
They will be all that is left
When this body falls away.

But this body, this body!
It is light; it can skip and splash
Through puddles and laugh.
It is heavy and feels the call of the earthworms.
It creates its own rain.

This body is not moved by simple physics.
This body is moved by: the dawn,
Watching my child sleep and my lover wake up,
Reading in bed, libraries and storytelling,
The vulnerability and audacity of telling your story,
Walkabout, walking, walking bass lines,
The wind in the trees and birds singing on fenceposts,
Chiarascuro and watching things grow,
The smell of the earth,
Giving birth,
God in Me,
Me in God,
Those Dolls
Who've absorbed my pain,
And my joy absolved,
Being loved despite my thorns,
Renaissance wo(men) living renegade art,

All art and art in all.

~Jenell Heimbach


I was sitting in the car with Anouk when all of a sudden we saw a huge hawk being chased by those little black parking lot birds. The hawk then swooped down and landed on the edge of a building. I thought the little birds had pulled out some of it's feathers, because they were flying! But as I looked closer, I noticed that it had a pigeon in it's talons! The hawk was perched so majestically, like a Bald Eagle atop an American flag. And then it bent down and twisted the pigeon's neck and pecked at it's eyes! Anouk and I were fixated. Here we were, in the middle of suburbia witnessing an episode of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I can almost hear Marlin Perkin's gentle voice. The pigeon was not going gently. Anouk broke me out of my morbid reverie by crying, "I'm going to get a big rock and throw it at it!" She was incensed by the injustice of it.

I think it struck a nerve. This could just as easily be her, unexpectedly plucked from her wholeness - and only to find herself surrounded by people who want to pluck her eyes out.

Hawks and pigeons, please be kind to each other.