Wednesday, April 19, 2006


I was on my way to a dentist appointment for Anouk. We left with just enough time to get there. I ride around on empty for 34 miles before I get gas, and I was at about 27. I decided I could probably make it. As we passed a gas station, I had a feeling that I should stop, but I just kept going... I think I just wanted to get the appointment over with -- it was going to cost a lot of money.

I was within a few miles of the dentist, and just about to get on the off-ramp, when my car started to sputter. Shit! However, I coaxed it all the way off the ramp (just like in bowling when I coax the ball out of the gutter). Luckily, there was enough shoulder on Franklin (a busy street) to accomodate my car. And there were two gas stations at the end of the block. The closest one didn't sell gas cans. Fuck. The one across the street sold me one with a gallon of gas for $23! Okay, as if the dentist were not enough. As if our money situation was enough! What else could I do? I should've listened to my intuition (and, cringe, and must I admit, Robley's warning, too?).

So, I had the gas and can. You'd think my problem was solved, right? Maybe I'd just be a few minutes late.... However, I couldn't get it to work. I don't understand physics or the mechanics of things. That's me, right? I like books. That's me, right? Well, when I was forced out of that concept, I found that I could apply myself to the problem and figure it out. I got the general idea of the gas can down. Why was it spilling out everywhere?! I only had 1 gallon! I asked a passerby, and he was more in the dark than I. I stomped my feet. I yelled. I was sad that no-one was stopping to help. I was angry that I couldn't figure it out, that I even got myself into the situation.

I went back to the gas station and asked the clerk to help me. It took him forever to figure it out. But he did. I gas'd the car, rescheduled the appointment and had a good cry.

A week later we were watching Survivor Man. He said something that struck me. He said that people out in the wilderness do what they can until they get to an impass. They feel like they have to choose to go on -- to live, and usually something comes up that drives them to survive.

How easily I gave up! And here I was, in the middle of a city! I don't have to be alone. I don't have to struggle. Thank you, Survivor Man!

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