Houdini Mama

On Father’s Day, my dad suggested watching Into the Wild. It’s a true story about a young man who is disgusted with his dysfunctional family and disillusioned with society. He breaks all ties and embarks on a quest. Many a young person has set out on such a quest. I did. I wanted to break free from old childhood wounds. I wanted to run wild and free.

During pregnancy, I began thinking about my childhood and what I wanted for my daughter. I found myself excavating old wounds and crying on my husband’s shoulder. While his doublespeak and reflectiveness were not what I was looking for, he helped me to realize that blaming my parents or society was not serving me, that, as an adult, I needed to take control of and move forward in my life—instead of dragging the past around like a ball and chain. When I looked down, I saw that there were others, many of my own device. And, I, like Houdini.

On this journey of motherhood, I have wriggled out of many a chain. But I realized that I am not a supermom. I believe that it is an illusion. As much as we try, we cannot possibly be Ideal parents. My childhood was not ideal…but it was good. It was enough. We cannot be everything for each other. My parents couldn’t be everything for me. My partner can’t be everything for me. And, as much as I yearn to, I can’t be everything for my daughter. We each have our own life path, our own search for meaning and reconciliation. Sure we influence each other, but we can’t fulfill each other completely.

Oh, there are days. Days when I look down, and there’s that ball and chain again, with my initials carved into it. I can envision an ideal and am very hard on myself when I see those chains there—again! Know what I mean?!

We can’t fulfill each other, because we’re already whole. We’ve just forgotten. We must forgive ourselves and move again towards awareness. We all do our best with what we’ve got. The more we connect with each other, the more we “get.” We are not really separate.

“Driven by the force of love, the fragments of the world seek each other that the world may come into being.” Tiellhard de Chardin

Trust and Children

My daughter is seeking more and more freedom. She wants us to trust her, to trust that she can handle what the world brings to her. It's not that I don't trust her.... I'm just not sure that she could assert herself were a dangerous situation to arise. I know it took me awhile to develop that ability.

Many parents will argue that it is not their kids that they distrust, but the neighborhood. I'm to a considerable degree sympathetic with that fear. Partly because fewer kids are outdoors playing, many neighborhoods may in fact be less safe now than then. It used to be that if anyone harassed someone outdoors, there would be many kids around, of all ages, as witnesses and deterrents. It is also the case that today, with both parents in most families away at work, there are fewer adults at home in any given neighborhood, fewer adults who could spot potential problems. People (adults as well as children) are also less likely to know their neighbors today than in the past, and that too makes neighborhoods less safe. And, of course, there are more cars on the streets than there used to be, and communities no longer feel that it is their duty to construct and maintain sidewalks, parks, and playgrounds. “No Child Left Inside”: An Example of The Wrong Way to Solve a National Problem by Peter Gray

It's not that I don't trust the world; I do...for the most part. I think that there is "good" in everyone, but, conversely, I think there is "bad" in everyone. And it is those few who act on their "bad" impulses that I don't trust. When 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by age 18, how could I?

So, while I love the idea of Free-Range Kids and Summerhill, a HUGE part of me has reservations. I want to do everything in my power to prevent my daughter from becoming a statistic.

However, I remember. I remember thinking feeling that my parents didn't trust in my ability to handle myself in the world. This holding tight and loosening is a process, yes? And so I let go...in small ways. I let Anouk explore with my little sister at the whole earth festival. I let her go to the bathrooms with a friend at a concert in the park (different vibe and fetched them when they lingered). I let her ride bikes with her friends on the camping trip.

I listen to my intuition and encourage her to be aware and listen to hers. But somehow that is not enough. I know there's no going back now. She's hungry to experience the world on her own two feet. Soon, she'll not be satisfied by my intuition and will feel smothered by my fears.

In the next couple of years, I would like to enroll us in this empowering self-defense class, which comes highly recommended by a friend of mine. And, perhaps I should continue to examine what trust means to me. How can I develop trust in her ability to stand on her own two feet? How do I give her the skills she'll need? How do I create a safe environment in the meantime, one in which she can experience freedom?

Work outside of the school system to develop safe places for children to play. Let the legislators in your community know that they should start spending less money on schools and more money on sidewalks, parks, and police protection in areas where children can play. Urge your community to develop and maintain parks that are safe yet provide opportunities for adventure--parks that have woods to explore, trees to climb, ponds and streams to fish in. Develop and support programs that allow children to engage with the outdoors in their own playful ways, on their own time, with others of their own choosing, without adult supervision and certainly without testing. Meet with other parents in your neighborhood to talk about the problem of providing safe places and opportunities to play. Maybe you can set up a neighborhood watch, which will help assure people that the neighborhood is safe for children's play. Maybe you can find ways to take weekend trips with other families, to campgrounds or other places where the kids can play safely, with one another in new and exciting settings, while the adults ignore them and socialize among themselves in their own chosen ways. “No Child Left Inside”: An Example of The Wrong Way to Solve a National Problem by Peter Gray

I want to cut to the quick of trust. Is this enough?

Service and Servility

I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, but…I’m not a big fan of holidays. They can seem like such a capitalistic contrivance. I don’t need flowers or cards or jewelry on a certain day. I guess I don’t need them at all. Tho' gifts are sweet sometimes. They remind you that someone was thinking of you. And it’s not that I don’t like to revere or celebrate—I do! I just hope I breathe this spirit into each day.

For some, religion and holidays provide a framework for ritual. They are a time of worship or service. While my family and I enjoy learning about other religions, we do not adhere to one. However, yesterday I woke up thinking about service. As parents, we want to nurture our children and give them the cream of the crop. But if you serve your children all their lives, how do you prevent them from becoming spoiled tyrants? How do you instill a reciprocity in your children (especially only children)? How do you give them opportunities to serve? And how do you do this without being authoritarian and expecting servility?

These are not rhetorical questions.